I find myself in the room again. The one I keep in my head—where I sit with my thoughts and the one where I’ve spent a lot more time recently.
I’m not sure if it’s because I have more questions, or because I’m just more curious about finding answers, but the gross irony is that the reason I’m interested in answers these days, is because I’m obsessed with questions that don’t seem to have any.
It’s like being drunk on a carousel, completely unsure of where to get off, but certain that at some point I’ll have to.
But I have arrived at something recently. I’ve become intoxicated with this idea of not knowing.
See most of my questions revolve around the future: what do I want to do? who do I want to be? where do I want to end up? Every question I have about my life is fueled by the certain, uncertainty of what’s ahead. That, my friends, is the “not knowing.”
And while I’ve sat on my carousel in the room in my head, thinking about the not knowing, I’ve come to some come conclusions: not knowing can either be completely liberating, or absolutely terrifying, but while it can be either of those two things, it must be one of them.
There can’t be any middle ground when it comes to the not knowing.
And here’s why. My biggest fear these days is unconsciously slipping through my life. It’s the idea of getting too comfortable on a path that I settled into out of convenience in the short term and then having that path accidentally gain momentum and blast me too far forward.
It’s like holding down the seek button on your car radio; the first few stations start to click by and then the thing takes off and it’s almost impossible to not over shoot the tuning you were trying to get to. You can quickly loose control of where you are.
I think that the key to ensuring that I don’t fall asleep on my seek button, and fast-forward through my life, is living in the extremes of the not knowing. If some days I’m liberated by the not knowing, it means that I’m aware that there is new opportunity out there. If other day’s I’m terrified of the not knowing, it means I’m consciously thinking about where I am and where I’m going.
But if I forget about the not knowing, if the not knowing doesn’t feel like anything, then that’s a sign that I’m no longer paying attention.
So these days I often find myself in the room, this room in my head, and I ride my carousel of not knowingness and even though I can’t predict what’s going to happen next, I feel I’ve made the first step to potentially starting to know just a little more.